She does not have holes in her hose because she is wearing a dress. I have holes in my hose: a small secret.
I wear control type panty hose under my scrub pants and run to the bathroom and secretly rip little holes in them while sitting on the toilet that I don’t have to pee into.
Nurses are so controlling. It is a constant swing of taking command and giving it up at the same time. It really is bizarre.
Writing little numbers perfectly in small boxes on the chart: intake vs. output every two hours. Floating around the room putting everything in a certain place, untangling wires and tubing because the twist drives me crazy.
Complete control over another human being in a vulnerable state, while attempting to remember to give that person some control over themselves to restore their own sanity: ‘No, I can not remove the intravenous catheter that is infusing hemodynamic cardiovascular chemicals into your blood stream, or remove this blood pressure cuff but would you like your telephone here or there?’
When I go home, I try to put the spoons in the right spot to get the same feeling, but it never really feels quite the same.
There is no night nurse at home to give report to, no accountability at all. I can make it all up in my own imagination: submit, and dominate myself but it is exhausting work.
And again: I wear control type panty hose under my scrub pants and run to the bathroom and secretly rip little holes in them while sitting on the toilet that I don’t have to pee into.